On Relationships

Question: Amma, could you please give us some instructions about marriage and married life?

Amma: Marriage and married life, in fact, are another way to attain God-realization, although many are not aware of it. For the attainment of this goal, both the husband and the wife need a certain amount of understanding about leading a married life coupled with spirituality. Patience, love and forgiveness are the three qualities that are needed to maintain a good relationship. In most cases, neither the husband nor the wife will have these qualities. Such relationships will always end up in a tragedy. Doubting each other's love, they will always quarrel. A silly, insignificant incident or sometimes even a single word is enough to make them lose their mental balance. They will always blame each other, but never try to find a solution for the misunderstandings and conflicts. As a result, they suffer and also cause their children to suffer.

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“If a couple takes the necessary steps, making the effort to understand and respect each other's feelings, they will be able to live their lives fully. They should be willing to forgive and forget each other's faults and weaknesses. Married life can be a rich field of learning that teaches the couple to develop such qualities as patience and humility.”

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A True Relationship

“A true relationship can be developed only if there is proper understanding between a husband and wife, between friends, or whoever is involved in a relationship of any kind. There are different passages in life. Marriage is one such passage, and it is one of the most important ones there is. For a person who lives in the world (i.e. a householder), to be able to live a full, productive life, he or she must pass through the passage of marriage with as much love, intimacy, caring and commitment as possible. Married life, if it is lived with the proper love and understanding, will help awaken the feminine within a man, and the masculine within a woman. This balance can eventually help both of them reach the final goal of eternal freedom.”

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“A true relationship is possible only when one is able to let go of all one's preconceived ideas and prejudices, and when one stops being possessed by the past. Your mind is the past. Stop clinging to the past and you will be free and peaceful. To cling to the past is like living in the dark. We all want to be in the light. Stop fighting the past, stop reacting to it, and you will be in the light. You will then clearly be able to see everything that is happening within you. With such a clear vision it is possible to form a true relationship. … In such deep love, even your thought patterns will be the same. For example, a husband may think of something without saying a word about it. Yet somehow his wife is aware of it. He thinks of something and his wife says the same thing, or he wishes to do something and his wife suddenly expresses the same wish. …If this can happen in a normal relationship, the identification or sense of oneness that happens in the Guru sishya (disciple) relationship is incomparably greater.”

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Question: Why is there no real love in married life? What causes the conflicts and the friction?

Amma: There is a serious lack of understanding between the husband and wife. In most cases the couple won't even make an attempt to understand each other. For the development of a true relationship to take place, a basic understanding of human nature, the nature of men and women, is essential. Men are mostly intellectually centred, while women tend to be more emotional. They dwell in two different centers, along two parallel lines. No real meeting takes place within them. How, then, can there be any love between the two? Their different natures should be understood and accepted, and each one, both husband and wife, should make a conscious effort to reach out to the other's feelings, to the heart, and then try to work out their problems with this understanding as their foundation. They shouldn't try to control each other. They shouldn't say to each other, "I say yes, and therefore you should also say yes."

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Listen with Love and Concern

“It is very rare to find a truly loving relationship. The love between a married couple is usually only skin deep. If one of them says "yes," the other will make it a point to say "no." Children, learn to respect each other's feelings. Learn to listen to each other's problems with love and concern. When you listen to your partner, he or she should be able to feel that you are genuinely interested and that you would sincerely like to help. Your partner should feel your care and concern, your respect and admiration. An open acceptance of the other is needed, and there should be no reservations.”

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Cultivate Patience and Forgiveness

“If the wife is pious and has qualities like patience, love, forbearance and forgiveness, she can also change her husband even though he is uncouth. If she has the right attitude, the family life will become peaceful. If both the husband and wife are obstinate and unyielding in nature, both should try to correct each other by cultivating and developing patience and forgiveness in themselves.”

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Don't Mention Your Partner's Weaknesses in Front of Others

“Children, as ordinary human beings, everyone has both good and bad qualities. Always try to recognise and admire the good qualities in each other. Whenever you are talking to others about your partner, try to highlight his or her good qualities; don't ever mention the weaknesses in front of others. Whatever your weaknesses may be, they should remain a secret between the two of you. You should work out your problems together with a positive attitude, without provoking or hurting each other with accusations. First of all, we should become aware of our own weaknesses, because this is the best way to remove them. Never use your partner's faults as a weapon against him or her. When you are pointing out a weakness, do so lovingly and with every intention of eradicating it in a positive way from your lives. These weaknesses are blocks that prevent you from expressing yourselves fully. See these blocks as obstructions and learn to remove them.”

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On Separation

“Married life is not a joke. It is something that should be taken seriously. Relationships can become a path to God, a path to eternal freedom and peace, provided you have the right attitude. Don't automatically consider separation each time you feel uncomfortable. Strive to be adaptable. Try to be patient, not once or twice, but many times.”

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“Practice forgiveness. If there are still difficulties in a relationship even after you put forth a lot of effort, you can consider it your karma, your destiny. At this point you can either endure it, accepting the difficulties as your prarabdha; or, if you find the situation too difficult to withstand anymore, maybe you can think of separation or divorce. But before that, you must play your part well. You must put forth effort at least to see whether the relationship can work or not. To simply let it fall apart is an unpardonable mistake. It is a sin and you will have to suffer for it.”

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Pray to God to Give Your Family Right Thinking

Question: How should one keep good relations with one's wife and children and with the other family members?

Amma: Do not make the wife and children suffer unnecessarily. If their characters are not good, do not dissipate your energy worrying about them. Worrying is not a solution for any problem; it will only make things worse. Discriminative thinking is the only way to overcome life's problems. When we worry, our power of discrimination becomes weak, and then even insignificant problems seem overwhelming. We should pray for God to give our family right thinking, and we should consider their association with us as the fruit of our past actions. We will not be miserable if we spend our time in Godly pursuits instead of worrying about our wife and children. Is it possible for us to guide them along the right path? We do not have the power to hear sounds which are beyond a certain range. We also do not have the power to see beyond a certain distance. We are bound by limitations. What can we do? "Take care of everything, O Omnipotent One. I have no power to do anything. I have nothing to say. O Lord, kindly protect us." That is how we should pray. Otherwise, one will only be wasting one's time. They, as well as ourselves, will be ruined. In due course, owing to our prayers, God will guide them through the right path. If the husband is the one who is creating the problems, then the wife should have the aforesaid attitude. In many families only one partner, the husband or the wife, will be good. In such cases, if one of them has patience, forgiveness and forbearance things can be straightened out to an extent. Children, remember that if we forgive and forget others' faults, God will forgive and forget ours.”

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